I’ve Lost It (Control, That Is)
The old version had to go anyway
One of the first things that evaporates in early motherhood - sometimes even in pregnancy - is control.
You can no longer predict when you’ll sleep, how your body will feel, what your day will look like, or whether you’ll manage to shower before 3pm. Your baby arrives, and your life goes from structured and predictable… to fluid and wilddddd.
And if, like me, you were someone who loved control—not in a perfectionist way (I think), but in a "let’s just know what’s happening and when" kind of way—this shift can feel BIG.
I remember thinking: “I can handle change. I’ve run teams, launched projects, moved countries. How hard can this be?”
Spoiler: very hard.
Because this time, the change is in you.
Why We Crave Control So Much
Control gives us the illusion of safety.
It’s a way of telling ourselves: I’ve got this.
And in early motherhood, when everything feels new, raw, and unpredictable, it makes perfect sense that we try to hold onto anything that makes life feel ordered.
But here’s the catch: clinging to the old ways of control (schedules, structure, productivity metrics) didn’t work for me in this new chapter. I had to redefine what control looks and feels like.
So how do you reclaim it?
Here’s what helped me, and what might help you too.
1. Control the container, not the moment
You can’t always control what happens but you can influence the space around it.
I created small rituals:
Nowadays I don’t meditate first thing (which I loooved during pregnancy: the quiet, the serenity, the peace, must I go on?) but my morning coffee happens no matter what and before anything else gets tackled.
A long walk in nature with Louis and our dogs (nervous system care and exercise, check).
Music in the house before dinner so we can dance-dance-dance together (heightened endorphins for everybody which supports all of us until we go to sleep).
These aren’t rigid schedules - they are anchors. Predictable points in the unknown.
2. Edit your environment
This one’s underrated. Your physical space can have a massive impact on your sense of calm.
I rearranged my wardrobe so everything at eye level actually fits well and is easy to combine (my husband calls it my uniform aka biker shorts paired with a little top and a biiig blazer).
The house represents all its inhabitants now, not only my husband and I: The coffee table turned into Louis’ personal library. Linen-bound art books? Bye. Hello, diggers. Various drawers hold unexpected/interesting/sound-producing things for Louis (even if it doesn’t “match the theme of the drawer” — perhaps I am a little more OCD than I give myself credit for).
Even when I don’t feel fully “in control,” my environment can hold me.
3. Say yes to help before you think you need it
Here’s the paradox: asking for help can feel like losing control but it’s actually a way to regain it.
Letting my husband take over bath time and walk the dogs at the end of the day. Letting friends bring food to our house. Letting the house be “clean enough.”
All of it created space which gave me back choice. And choice is a form of control.
4. Control your inputs
This is a big one. You’re vulnerable in this season - protect your attention.
I muted, unfollowed, unsubscribed. I didn’t need 72 different opinions on breastfeeding and sleep. I needed fewer voices, not more. (I wasn’t on instagram for the first 19 months of Louis life and I honestly never thought about it; but joining this cool place, Substack, immediately felt good and right for this season in my life).
Choose a few voices you trust (including your own) and get them to agree to be your mirror when necessary. It can save you from losing yourself in tunnel vision.
5. Trust that it’s not forever
This particular version of you, the one who’s slightly disheveled (maybe that’s just me), slightly leaking (not anymore, which was a triumph I celebrated duly by ditching bras again), slightly wondering what happened to her former self: she’s temporary. But she’s also powerful.
You are adapting. You’re just doing it in real time.
Some days you’ll feel capable and sexy. Other days, you’ll feel like your to-do list is just “keep baby alive and maybe brush teeth.”
Both count.
Both are success.
Some facts (I think):
Control isn’t gone. It just looks different: Less about outcome. More about orientation.
Less about managing everything. More about choosing what matters today.
Rituals, not routines. Anchors, not strict timelines.
Control the energy of the day, be agile with what meets you.
Let help be a power move.
And always be gentle with the version of you that’s learning this as she goes.
More soon,
Julia
This was such a grounding and generous piece — I found myself nodding the whole way through.
“Control the container, not the moment” is such a powerful reframe, and exactly what I needed to hear.
As a mom who also clung to structure pre-baby, learning to anchor my days instead of scripting them has been a quiet revolution.
Thank you for putting words to a shift that so many of us feel but struggle to name