The Other Club

POV: You are not falling behind

The Other Club is a space for the stories that sit alongside motherhood: The women who haven’t had kids (yet, or ever), the ones still deciding, and the ones building full lives in other ways.

Think of it as Plnty’s sister table — same energy, different conversations. We’re talking love, freedom, fears, timing, ambition.

In this edition, Ayla, my dear friend and godmother to our son, takes us on her journey of modern motherhood: one of freedom, trust and self love.

I am not a mother yet. But I write from the lens of someone who’s always wanted to become one. Many of my close friends are already mothers, my high school girl squad — all of them mothers and my mother’s friend’s daughters, also all mothers.

Societal norms say that if I want children — at my age — I should already have them or at least start making them. My best friends (the best women and mothers I know) have honoured me with two remarkable godchildren and I’d like to slip in here that I am in fact a dog mom too.

I celebrate these blessings as often as I can and tell myself that this way I get to experience the “best parts” of what it’s like to be a mom and skip the ugly or difficult parts. I have watched my friend’s fall pregnant, watched them struggle to be pregnant, watched their children grow and watched them have some more.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that becoming a mother is all I’ve ever really wanted. Even deeper than that, I could say it’s always felt like my core purpose. I say this without any judgement to mothers who have experienced contrary emotions or to any women who have chosen not to have children. I feel deeply maternal and currently channel all of these instincts into my two-year old Toy Poodle named Valentina. I received her in the midst of a season of struggle. While walking through fire, she was my only green light and even though she has four legs, she’ll always be my first born.

I would be lying if I said that I don’t sometimes feel the ache for a baby.

But today my journey is about how I’m redefining motherhood as a state of becoming rooted in self-trust, emotional growth and faith that my time will come.

Faith.

I am raised Christian, Catholic to be more specific and it’s taken me 33 years to warm up to the idea that motherhood no longer fits one mould. The classic — marriage - pregnancy - family — as I know it, is not the only path to motherhood today.

After my last relationship failed, I felt broken over the life I forecast in perfect timing. Who was I now supposed to have a child with and where would I get the time back? It’s been two years since and a lot of self-love and surrender. Faith as a surrender has been the biggest learning for my A-type persona. I am learning to release the pressure I have always put myself under. I trust that my own journey to motherhood doesn’t have to match society’s expectations. I wont abandon myself and just pick a partner for the sake of having a child because I have faith that the love meant for me and the family meant for me will align when it’s supposed to.

Having faith doesn’t mean ignoring reality. It just means refusing to panic.

I have learnt not to live from fear but that every time I start to feel behind, I remind myself that my story isn’t running late — it’s unfolding right on time. My faith means choosing to believe that love and motherhood can meet me at the same destination.

Freedom.

Changing my narrative about motherhood has opened up many new ideas to me. I realise that modern motherhood can take many forms. My mother friends have had a variety of paths to becoming mothers and it’s taught me that motherhood is not about conforming to should; it’s about aligning what works for you. My conservative upbringing neglected notions like egg-freezing, IVF, solo parenting, blended families etc.

Today I recognise that I don’t need to feel behind or left out because I have more freedom than ever before. Freedom to choose how to build my family. Freedom from timelines and outdated narratives. Freedom to love myself fully before stepping into motherhood. Freedom to date without ‘making babies’ be the core focus. There’s an incredible freedom in realising that motherhood can start with nurturing yourself — not just a child.

Self-love.

At the heart of it all, my message is loving yourself enough not to settle, rush or force your story.

My journey right now, as I surrender to it, is learning to mother myself and practice the compassion, patience and care I’ll need to give my children one day. Every act of self-love I practice today feels like a rehearsal for motherhood. My own mother is as graceful, patient, gentle and selfless as they come. I idealise her and while I listen to her hushed yearn for grandchildren, I no longer receive it as pressure, but know that she too recognises the innate mother in me.

Today I understand that I am not behind, I am becoming. The healing I’ve done, the growing, the learning boundaries have all been emotional preparation. Self-love is now at the foundation of the family I want. Self-love is not the thing that delays motherhood - it’s the thing that makes it healthier when it arrives.

Future moms I am writing from your corner. You’re not behind. You’re becoming. I encourage you to honour your path whatever it looks like. Mine is a modern one and is being built with faith, freedom and the kind of self love that doesn’t ask me to settle.

Yours truly

Ayla